Some Merry Tales of the Wise Men of Gotham

TALE FIRST.

THERE were two men of Gotham, and one of them was going to the market at Nottingham to buy sheep, and the other was coming from the market, and both met together on Nottingham bridge.

              “Well met,” said the one to the other.

              “Whither are you a–going?” said he that came from Nottingham.

              “Marry,” said he that was going thither, “I am going to the market to buy sheep.”

              “Buy sheep,” said the other; “and which way will you bring them home?”

              “Marry,” said the other, “I will bring them over this bridge.”

              “By Robin Hood,” said he that came from Nottingham, “but thou shalt not.”

              “By maid Marjoram,” said he that was going thither, “but I will.”

              “Thou shalt not,” said the one.

              “I will,” said the other.

              “Tut here,” said the one, and “Tut there,” said the other. Then they beat their staves against the ground one against the other, as if there had been a hundred sheep betwixt them.

              “Hold them there,” said one.

              “Beware of the leaping over the bridge of my sheep,” said the other.

              “I care not.”

              “They shall all come this way,” said the one.

              “But they shall not,” said the other.

              As they were in contention, another wise man that belonged to Gotham came from the market with a sack of meal upon his horse, and seeing and hearing his neighbours at strife about sheep, and none betwixt them, said he—

              “Ah, fools! will you never learn wit? Then help me,” said he that had the meal, “and lay this sack upon my shoulder.”

              They did so, and he went to one side of the bridge, and unloosed the mouth of the sack, and shook out the meal into the river. Then said he—

              “How much meal is there in the sack, neighbours?”

              “Marry,” answered they, “none.”

              “Now, by my faith,” replied this wise man, “even so much wit is there in your two heads, to strive concerning that thing which you have not.”

              Now, which was the wisest of all these three persons I leave you to judge.

TALE SECOND.

ON A time the men of Gotham fain would have pinned in the cuckoo, whereby she should sing all the year; and in the midst of the town they had a hedge made round in compass, and they got the cuckoo, and put her into it, and said—

              “Sing here, and you shall lack neither meat nor drink all the year.”

              The cuckoo, when she perceived herself encompassed within the hedge, flew away.

              “A vengeance on her,” said the wise men, “we made not our hedge high enough.”

TALE THIRD.

THERE was a man of Gotham who went to the market of Nottingham to sell cheese, and, as he was going down the hill to Nottingham bridge, one of his cheese fell out of his wallet, and ran down the hill.

              “What!” said the fellow, “can you run to the market alone? I will now send one after the other.”

              Then laying down the wallet, and taking out the cheese, he tumbled them down the hill, one after the other, and some ran into one bush and some into another, so at last he said—

              “I do charge you to meet me in the market–place.”

              And when the man came into the market to meet the cheese, he stayed until the market was almost done, then went and inquired of his neighbours and other men if they did see his cheese come to market.

              “Why, who should bring them?” said one of his neighbours.

              “Marry, themselves!” said the fellow. “They knew the way well enough,” said he. “A vengeance on them, for I was afraid, to see my cheese run so fast, that they would run beyond the market. I am persuaded that they are by this time almost at York.”

              So he immediately takes a horse, and rides after them to York, but was very much disappointed.

              But to this day no man has ever heard of the cheese.

TALE FOURTH.

WHEN that Good Friday was come the men of Gotham did cast their heads together what to do with their white herrings, red herrings, their sprats, and salt fish. Then one counselled with the other, and agreed that all such fish should be cast into the pond or pool, which was in the middle of the town, that the number of them might increase against the next year. Therefore every one that had got any fish left did cast them into the pond. Then one said—

              “I have as yet gotten left so many red herrings.”

              “Well,” said the other, “and I have left so many whitings.”

              Another immediately cried out—

              “I have as yet gotten so many sprats left.”

              “And,” said the last, “I have got so many salt fishes. Let them all go together into the great pond without any distinction, and we may be sure to fare like lords the next year.”

              At the beginning of the next Lent they immediately went about drawing the pond, imagining they should have the fish, but were much surprised to find nothing but a great eel.

              “Ah!” said they, “a mischief on this eel, for he hath eaten up our fish.”

              “What must we do with him?” said one to the other.

              “Kill him!” said one to the other.

              “Chop him into pieces,” said another.

              “Nay, not so,” said the other, “but let us drown him.”

              “Be it accordingly so,” replied they all.

              So they immediately went to another pond, and did cast the eel into the water.

              “Lie there,” said these wise men, “and shift for thyself, since you can expect no help from us.”

              So they left the eel to be drowned.

TALE FIFTH.

ON A certain time there were twelve men of Gotham that went a–fishing; and some did wade in the water, and some did stand upon dry land. And when they went homeward, one said to the other—

              “We have ventured wonderful hard this day in wading, I pray God that none of us may have come from home to be drowned.”

              “Nay, marry,” said one to the other, “let us see that, for there did twelve of us come out.”

              Then they told themselves, and every man told eleven, and the twelfth man did never tell himself.

              “Alas!” said the one to the other, “there is some one of us drowned.”

              They went back to the brook where they had been fishing, and did make a great lamentation. A courtier did come riding by, and did ask what it was they sought for, and why they were so sorrowful.

              “Oh!” said they, “this day we went to fish in the brook, and here did come out twelve of us, and one of us is drowned.”

              “Why,” said the courtier, “tell how many there be of you,” and the one said eleven, and he did not tell himself.

              “Well,” said the courtier, “what will you give me, and I will find out twelve men?”

              “Sir,” said they, “all the money we have got.”

              “Give me the money,” said the courtier; and began with the first, and gave a recommendibus over the shoulders, which made him groan, saying, “Here is one;” and so he served them all, that they groaned at the matter. When he came to the last, he paid him well, saying—

              “Here is the twelfth man.”

              “God’s blessing on thy heart for finding out our dear brother.”

TALE SIXTH.

A MAN'S wife of Gotham had a child, and the father bid the gossips, which were children of eight or ten years of age. The eldest child’s name, who was to be godfather, was called Gilbert, the second child’s name was Humphrey, and the godmother’s name was Christabel. The friends of all of them did admonish them, saying, that divers of times they must say after the priest. When they were all come to the church–door, the priest said—

              “Be you all agreed of the name?”

              “Be you all,” said Gilbert, “agreed of the name?”

              The priest then said—

              “Wherefore do you come hither?”

              Gilbert said, “Wherefore do you come hither?” Humphrey said, “Wherefore do you come hither?” And Christabel said, “Wherefore do you come hither?”

              The priest being amazed, he could not tell what to say, but whistled and said “Whew!”

              Gilbert whistled and said “Whew!” Humphrey whistled and said “Whew!” and so did Christabel. The priest being angry, said—

              “Go home, fools, go home!”

              Then said Gilbert and Humphrey and Christabel the same.

              The priest then himself provided for god–fathers and god–mothers.

              Here a man may see that children can do nothing without good instruction, and that they are not wise who regard them.